Recently I've been listening to Free to be Me by Francesca Battistelli and You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. The mention of the latter is honestly a little embarrassing to admit, but I'll give credit where credit is due. I've been staying up until early morning finishing job applications and poring through books like Free Food for Millionaires and Blue Like Jazz and Sex God and finding that I feel both rested and completely restless. I wake up each day with almost nothing on my To Do List except for the occasional run to Wal-Mart or the obligatory pick ups for my younger brother. Only two months ago I was flying across campus with a whole slew of things that needed to be done, people that needed to be talked to, bills that needed to be paid for, assignments that needed to be started...and now I'm here. Here with a life that has slowed down so much so that if I didn't know any better, I might even say I'm a little bored.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE coming home. I love eating and shopping with my mom and being able to see my baby brother lead worship for the first time, but a part of me is undeniably restless. I think I need a new project.

After the unexpected email from my recruiter that I was probably not going to be guaranteed a contract until November/December, I think I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. ChungDahm had grossly overestimated their need for this upcoming fall and due to this and that and the economic depression and even, get this, the swine flu, they were going to delay the placement of candidates until the positions opened up in the winter. Sort of like a nationwide hiring freeze, but the inconsistency was that they had already hired very, very many teachers including myself. I was furious at the lack of professionalism and the irresponsibility of this company but there is very little I can do besides throw a hissy fit. And mind you me, I did.

I think that once your plans change, things don't work out, Plan A and B and C and D, etc fall through the roof, it allows you to see your life from a higher perspective. At least once you stop moping. It forces you to see more of God's plan because you're not so fixed on making or following your own.

There was a point of desperation that I think I reached a month or two ago that changed the way I prayed. I deleted all of my plans and stopped applying and put the LSAT book down and just prayed. Prayed a whole long list of questions because that's how I felt, completely without answers. Prayed because I didn't know who else to ask anymore.

God has impeccable timing though because I was reading through Isaiah 46 for Heuna's birthday present a few days ago and was reminded again. Reminded that His purpose will be the only thing that stands from beginning to end.

10 I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

11 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.

I had an interview on Monday and God willing things will get a little clearer by the end of this week. Lesson one learned the hard way: Plans might or might not work out, but God is the only person who is going to work my LIFE out.